Chika Jonah Writes

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  • Why you should stop giving unsolicited advice.

    Giving unsolicited advice is like walking into someone’s house uninvited. Even if that person is your friend. (Please don’t visit your friends without informing them)

    unsolicited advice

    This week has been a rollercoaster of drama both personally and professionally. There were times when I wanted to just rant. In fact, almost always I just wanted to pour out what I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and everything I fantasized about the situation, but I hardly expressed any of these emotions because I was tired of ranting to someone only for the person to bombard me with series of advice I never asked for.

    So instead, I spoke to my brain and cells alone in that tiny little space in my head. *laughs*  Yet, the one time I did rant this week, it was with a wonderful person that just listened beautifully well. Whoop!! Such a blessing.

    People are so quick to show off how much they know about your situation, or a new project with dozens of do this, go this way, act like this, just at the mere mention of expressing your self. If you are on this table, be calming down. Cool down.

    Truth is, if they needed your advice they would ask. Now, I’m not saying giving advice is wrong, I’m simply saying giving unsolicited advice is wrong. Unsolicited advice is advice that is wrong. When its clear the receiver doesn’t want your advice is where the problem lies.

    Look at this scenario; My friend visiting me isn’t wrong, but my friend visiting me without prior information is wrong because a lot of things can go wrong for both me and the visitor. Firstly, I may not be at home, and she coming to meet the house locked would be a huge disappointment to her. Something that would have been adverted if she had called earlier. Secondly, I may be with my partner spending some alone & romantic time I waited for so long to have with him only for her to spoil it with her visit. Or does she want to meet us in our sensual escapades? *winks*

    Now that is what happens when giving unsolicited advice to a person. Its un welcomed, its bad manners, it makes the person feel incapable of handling their own situation and its unwanted.

    Isabella from reaching self shared a quote by Dalai Lama I love so such.

    “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’re lost.” — Dalai Lama

    Knowing when a person does not want you giving unsolicited advice.

    The only way to know when giving unsolicited advice is wrong is through;

    1. The receivers story.

    Now lets be practical shall we? Look at this two story. Lets say Chris and Joy talked to you differently.

    Chris said;

    “…so that was what happened my dear, and I wanted to react in different ways, but I just held it in. The fact that he used those words on me was sad. I felt it oh.”

    Joy said;

    “Guy remember that message I told you our MD sent, do you know that the same message has left me in the middle of a crisis. Now Ella thinks I’m out for her when you know how much I appreciate her. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t be the reason they are going through this ordeal. I wish I knew what to do to remedy the situation.”

    After carefully reading those two statements above you’d see that while it is tempting to advice Chris, its obvious that he doesn’t need it. What Chris clearly need is your listening ear, attention, and encouragement, not giving unsolicited advice.

    Joy on the other hand obviously needs real advice. She is confused. She needs a way out. But its not your cue to jump in right away. Understand the situation and give your best advice possible.

    2. Listening

    Our problem is that we too like gist, you like people coming to you, you love to play the mother hen, and that makes you hear just the words and not listen deeply. Listening would help you understand what the person wants. If Chris and Joy met you with their different situation. A good listener would understand what needs to be done while an adviser general would hop on an opportunity to drop his/her advice.

    3 things to do Instead of giving unsolicited advice.

    Now that you know why giving unsolicited advice is wrong, and how to know when someone needs advice, it is also important to also know what else to give in place of an advice, and when to give advice.

    1. Empathize

    Try to empathize with what they are going through. Empathy makes you ask the best questions to put the receiver at ease. Empathy makes the receiver even open more, and this in turn makes you understand the situation. When you empathize the receiver realizes that you’re not selfish, that you’re not trying to control the situation, and that he/she is strong enough to handle it even when you don’t give an advice.

    2. Ask how you can help.

    Ask first before giving an advice. Asking first differentiates you from the other person giving unsolicited advice.
    “What can I do to help?
    “If you ever need me I’m here. Really, don’t hesitate to ask.”
    “How can I help you?”

    Ask these questions before giving any advice even when your mouth is itching you.

    3. Be Supportive

    Instead of giving unsolicited advice why not support? Support speaks louder. An advice starts you on remedying the situation but support stays with you throughout the journey. Support says “I’ll always be here when you need me,” “I’m cheering on you,” “I’m checking on you, how’s it going?”

    Support sinks deep. The one who adviced you can be forgotten but the one who supports you through the journey is hardly forgotten. Be supportive.

    There are a lot of advisers on the street and less supporters. Be the one that support more.

    I am here because I want people to live fuller lives and I can support them through that, not just give advice. So if you ever need my support in writing, blogging, storytelling, business Just comment below or send me a mail using the contact form menu. And if you ever need a listening ear, I’m right here. This is a safe space. Void of judgments.

    Any thoughts on this post? Any relatable experience? Please share in the comment below

    Did you know that journaling helps when you have no one to talk to.

  • 3 Effective Ways To Find Peace Of Mind And Happiness

    Today its Peace of mind and happiness. Last week we talked about unexpectations then a question popped in my head, would I be at peace when something unexpected happen? Nah. I doubt that. Truth is my mind would be in constant turmoil thinking of how to handle the blow and how to face this new pursuit.

    find peace of mind and happiness
    Peace of mind and happiness by Moses Ameachi

    When James was informed that his shop was engulfed in flames. He was thrown off balance. Loosing everything, the sweat, blood, money was all gone. Everything was lost. He went from thinking of how to keep growing in business to how he would start afresh all over again. His peace was denied. How would he find peace of mind again and happiness?

    The same day John went on one knee and proposed to his girl friend of three years. And beautifully she said “yes I will.” It was the most heartwarming feeling ever to those watching and such a big blessing & celebration for John whose heart couldn’t stop beating. laughs But later that night all the happiness disappeared.

    The sweet memory was gone now replaced with the thought of having a new responsibility. What if he failed at his marriage? What if he makes his soon to be wife unhappy? Would forever be theirs or would their marriage fade along the line? Would he be a terrible father like his own dad? He tossed and turned all through the night. As happy as he thought he was, somewhere alone he fought. He was faced with a battle that denied his peace of mind. How would he find his peace of mind and happiness again?

    Unlearn that the only battle we face is a physical battle.

    The biggest battle we face is that of the mind. We first wage war in our mind before we throw physical punches. Someone asked me yesterday “what is happiness to you?” And I thought, Peace. Peace. When I was the happiest was when I had peace. Sometimes I laughed the loudest but I was not happy. Sometimes I made silly dance videos but i wasn’t happy at all. Other times I played so hard yet I knew I was deeply sad. So happiness is not when you laugh the most, not when you eat your favorite food or talk to your favorite person but its when you are at peace. When your mind is as free as a bird. When you feel like flying.

    Does this mean every time I drank my favorite drink; caprisonne or spoke to that special someone that makes me smile that I wasn’t happy? No. It only means that I can be happy at intervals. That there are little things that would brighten our world and our faces even when our mind is not at peace. Little deposits of goodness that constitutes our happiness and lighten our heart but doesn’t give us the win we desire. Those deposits are what keeps us going when the storm rages. Peace of mind and happiness is like mother and child. Peace births happiness.

    A mother is happy once she hears the news of a child growing in her, and as this child grows in her she is both happy and sad because of the restlessness and experience that come with pregnancy and childbirth. Yet, she is only a mother once the child is born. That is her win. That is the cue that the battle is won.

    Mandy Kloppers shared 40 whopping ways to find inner peace and I must say, that tip she shared was helpful and would give you relief.

    But as someone that would always tell you the bitter truth whether you like it or not or want to hear it or not, do everything on that list and you still won’t find peace. You would not even remember that anything like affirmations exists or breathing therapy or books or yoga. Who does yoga in this part of the world? Books fire! laughs

    So are you ready for me to show you how to find peace of mind and happiness?

    3 effective ways to find peace of mind and happiness

    Acceptance.

    Acceptance is accepting that this thing is gone or that this situation has happened. Henrik Edberg said “let go of things you cannot control. Acceptance is accepting that some things are beyond your control and that there’s so little you can do. Acceptance is also acknowledging what needs immediate attention. As much as there are things you can’t change there are also some difficult situations where you’d have to step in and act.

    Acceptance is the first step to gaining peace of mind and happiness. A lot of people stay in denial for a long time, due to fear, stress or weakness. But as soon as they mentally accept the deed then they’d see a light so bright that it brightens their lives.

    God.

    God is the giver of peace. I cannot over emphasize the importance of a relationship with God. If you’re not communicating with God then you’re missing the most important relationship ever.

    In fact you’re missing life itself. His very nature is peace. His spirit comforts us and takes away our burden. Start seeing him as a friend, talk to him as a friend, pour out your heart and mind to him and watch him renew your mind. Watch him operate on your mind. Your peace would be endless. Everlasting. Still confused on how to communicate intimately with God? Read a guide here on Christian intimacy with the Holy spirit.

    Little things.

    Regardless of whether you are void of peace of mind and happiness, there are little things that excites you and put smiles on your face. Indulge in those things. It may be talking to a friend, traveling, watching football or movies, driving, partying, exercising etc. For me watching a movie takes my mind off the chaos.

    When you accept that there are some things you don’t have the power to control, bring it at the foot of Christ, talk to God about it and as you find happiness in little things you love, gradually you’d have your peace of mind and happiness restored back to you.

    A win.

    What is happiness to you? And do you agree that these points can help you regain your peace of mind and happiness? Got more points to add? Share your thoughts and experience in the comment below.

  • 6 Life Unexpected Events And How To React To Them

    Unexpected events are events we dislike so much because we have no control over them. Its like a sudden slap on the face that feels like hot artardo pepper but the strange thing you’ve failed to realize is that unexpected events are also a cone of sweet flavored ice cream that melts in the mouth as you savoir its chilling taste with such satisfying pleasure and unbelieving joy.

    Unexpected events

    Its the peak of summer here in Nigeria, something we often call ‘dry season’, and rain is often far fetched in January even in rainy places like the city of Port Harcourt. Yet, I was at work two days ago ( on Wednesday) when I suddenly heard the clapping of the roof. I didn’t pay attention because I thought it must have been the wind or the echo of a moving vehicle on the road. But in few seconds the sound came again, this time so loud and scary. I raised my head and walked to the window only to be met with raindrops falling from the sky and before I could react the rain began dropped heavily.

    “Oh my God. Chika is this rain?” My colleague asked in shock looking outside.

    “Yes my dear. I’m as shocked as you are”. I smiled. I was happy too because i love the rain & the rain was going to calm the heat and control the dust. So it was a blessing surprisingly.

    The funny thing is; what started as a heavy downpour suddenly became a storm. The wind came and properties were flying ruthlessly. Thunder strikes left a spark that got me open mouthed. Everyone was taken unawares. Cars were parked because drivers couldn’t see in the storm. Taxis were unavailable because of the flood. We rushed to close everywhere because damn, this one was daunting. Let me surprise you again, the storm lasted for two hours. Two long hours of me wondering how I would get home because it was almost my closing time. Thinking ‘if I had known I would have brought an umbrella with me to work’. But well, that’s why its an unexpected event. Totally unplanned for. Completely surprising.
    Movements were stopped, plans were suspended and businesses were closed rapidly. Yet we could sleep well at night because the weather was cold and chilly. such irony laughs

    Since childhood parents have expected you to do this, try that, to live a certain way, associate with specific people etc. Society have expected you to pay tax, dress in a different way, regulate your movement etc. And then as adult you also set those expectations for yourself. Be a graduate at twenty, get a job after school, get married before thirty, have a million in your account in your twenties and so on. Then subsequently you set goals to help you achieve these expectations. You plan and strategize to be in charge of something you want to achieve. To be in control of the goal. But what you don’t plan for is the unexpectations that come knocking at your door. You don’t plan for the unexpected events that may occur along the line. The truth is you have no control over the unexpected and that is why you often deny its existence. But wisdom is to “expect the unexpected”, another wisdom is “not all unexpected events are bad, some if not most are good.” Do not treat life surprises & unexpected events as vain and disgusting because they would happen. The sooner you learn how to react to them, the better your life would be.

    Here are 6 major life unexpected events and how to handle them.

    Nature

    The force of nature can neither be changed nor fixed. It can only be handled properly which is through positive acceptance. If you like hit your head on the wall, you’d still fart inside the bus and pretend it was not you, rain would fall at anytime, earthquake would happen unenexpectedly, snow can just fall in Nigeria tomorrow, (Amen oh. smiles Who else can’t wait to experience snow in Nigeria?) Taking charge of nature is like wrestling with God. You cant fight it. You will fail and fail woefully if you do. Natural unexpected events can be a blessing if you choose to accept it and not dwell on it.

    Love

    I love love. Who doesn’t? Well, you’d have face me if you don’t. winks I couldn’t agree more with the line “Love happens in unexpected places.” and “sometimes we love who we least expect.” Unexpected events like love is a huge blessing. Love is the biggest feeling of freedom. It is not bound by tribe, tradition, age, sex, status, race etc. Sometimes you find yourself loving someone you never thought you could. Loving so deeply and passionately without receiving that love in return. And other times you love completely and your love is returned. Be it in friendship and relationships. The heart knows what pleases it which makes love so unexpected. Even when you know that a big level of pain may come from loving that person, your heart would still betray your mind. Some people who have made it clear that they are not ready for love still find themselves developing feelings and loving someone special against what they had planned. I’d say, if you love someone and the other person has made it clear that he/she doesn’t love you in return please let go. Its hard but allow yourself let go and give room for someone who would reciprocate your love. And if love unexpectedly happens and you both love each other, please don’t stay apart. Don’t run from that love. Give that love a chance. Allow it to bloom and if it doesn’t work then make it end. But if it does then you know what that means. cheers

    Breakup

    While some people gain love unexpectedly some loose theirs. What has a beginning surely has an end. Breakup. Although some breakups show warning signs but it doesn’t mean it was expected. Breaking up a relationship you thought would lead to the future has got to be a big blow. Talk about the dreams & memories shared, the time invested, and the emotions involved. Be sure that you’re breaking up for the right reasons and please don’t turn that person into your enemy. Say your goodbyes like civilized people not like market people. Breakups also happen between close friends as well. Having a close friends for years and realizing that you’re now drifting apart is so sad. Accept that friends come and go and you are not to be blamed alone for your failed relationship. Only then can you be better. (Understand why close friends don’t last here) Unexpected events are a truck load of surprises.

    Death

    Only a fool would accept new life as a part of life and not accept death as a part of life. I’m not sorry if you feel bad Life and death are two sides to a coin. What lived must die but only to live on. We rejoice in life but we cry in death which is humane. Death comes with a massive amount of pain. No amount of pain can be compared to loosing someone special, a child, a parent, friend, family, etc. And for some this pain have destroyed them because they allowed it to. While others have drowned in grief that makes them unrecognizable. God forbid that you become so! Death and loss are unexpected events that we can only accept. Yet also praying that death doesn’t come knocking on time. (Rise through grief and loss here)

    Sickness

    Ah! Nobody loves sickness. A mere headache can render you weak and ruin your mood talk more of severe illness and disease. A perfectly healthy person can just be rushed to the hospital only to be diagnosed with a terminal illness. It baffles me. ‘I always ask, where do all this strange sickness come from?’ But often times we never know and that is why sickness and diseases are unexpected events that deny us comfort, peace and wholeness. The only way to handle this is to stay calm whilst making sure that you go through all the necessary treatment required to make you healthy again.

    Wins

    Some wins like getting a job promotion you never applied for, achieving a milestone, getting a call from someone that could change your life are all unexpected events that could drive one happily crazy. This one is such a surprise that shocks your entire being and gladdens your heart in the most beautiful way. For me a sudden bank alert on my phone can just make my day laughs Trust me little wins like this add flavor & spice up our lives.

    Some stories on unexpected experiences by individuals here

    I hope this post would assist you in keeping your mind open for both the expected and the unexpected events that may occur this year and more. It could be a blessing if you accept it and react positively. Remember, Attitude is everything.

    Leave me a comment sharing your thoughts and tell me one unexpected thing you’ve experienced that came as a shock. I’d be in the comments waiting.