Chika Jonah Writes

Category: Lifestyle

  • 2 Importance of Self Awareness in Relationships

    The importance of self awareness would be visible in this story I’m about to share with you.

    Ruth was sitting at the living room when Iyke stormed in with a frown on his face. “Fuck you Ruth!” Ruth shook in fear and turned back only to see Iyke walking towards her. “why would you do such a thing?” He asked. “Are you stupid?”.

    “What’s the problem Iyke?” Ruth asked perplexed.

    “You should have told me before talking to Mandy about our plan. Are you a fool or what?” He answered. Her body stiffened and looked like she was about to cry.

    “But its not much of a big deal. Mandy is not a stranger to either of us. For Christ sake, this plan involves her as much as it does us. Its not enough reason for you to react this way. If you don’t like that I told her, then I’m sorry. I apologize.” She said finally and left.

    While she was outside she took a deep breath, she was furious. Furious every time she replayed his choice of words in her head. Every time he used fowl languages on her or cuss words. She didn’t like that he did that. In fact, she abhored it. He was a beautiful man with a charming soul. Except when he talks, he says things in the most absurd way; “I love you brat.” Or “Hey bitch.” Or “silly girl I miss you.”

    At first it was cute, she thought he was just been blunt but now she knew it was getting out of control. And now she was suffocating. She just held it in because she didn’t want to make an issue out of something so little. After all, he was so sweet to her, respected her, took good care of her and loved her.

                                 ***

    Are you angry with Ruth? Angry that she should have just told Iyke how she felt and how she wanted to be treated. laughs Well, sadly some of you are like Ruth. If Ruth knew the importance of self awareness then she wouldn’t hesitate to communicate her concerns with her partner.

    Before knowing the importance of self awareness its best you understand what self awareness truly is.

    Self awareness is simply knowing and seeing yourself first.
    Self awareness doesn’t end in knowing & seeing yourself for who & what you are or want, it is also been able to make objective decisions for your happiness based on your self discovery about yourself.

    Know yourself first before trying to know someone else.

    Some weeks ago someone asked me, “Chika what’s your weakness?” And I blabbered along and listed my weaknesses to this person. Contrary to years back when someone asked me, “Chika what makes you thick?” I just stared at the person and after giving it a thought I shamefully replied, “I don’t have an idea.” Then it dawned on me that Chika you are now aware of yourself and that’s a good thing compared to the past when I didn’t know the importance of self awareness.

    Being self aware makes you know your moments of emotions, feelings, actions and reactions. When you are self aware nothing gets to you. People only have power over you when you are ignorant of this fact. I can walk on the road and someone makes a side remark “short girl” and I’ll hear it and continue walking because its obvious that I’m short. I know already. There’s no need to remind me. laughs

    If you’re self aware, you begin to know what you can handle, how you react to situations, what you can tolerate, how to avoid tough situations etc. Self awareness makes you emotionally intelligent.

    The reason why your relationships has become enduraceship is because you lack self awareness. You are simply enduring your partner not enjoying him/her because you don’t know what you want. You are not self aware about your needs, aspirations, desires and obligations. None. You are just enjoying sweetness like Ruth but behind the curtains you feel hurt almost always. Some only care about daily 2k hahaha

    Some things to be self aware of include;

    • Who you are?
    • What you are capable of doing?
    • What are your believes & values?
    • What are those boundaries you can’t cross?
    • What makes you angry?
    • What makes you happy?
    • What are your strengths and weaknesses?
    • What do you want in your partner?
    • What inspires you?
    • What do you truly want out of life?
    • What are your dreams & visions
    • What is your purpose?
    • Do you want to get married?
    • Do you want to have children?
    • Do you want to further your education?
    • What can and can’t you tolerate?
    • What kind of people do you welcome into your corner?

    The list is endless…but when you know these things and consciously reflect on them as you grow and evolve, you’d live a more fulfilling life.

    The Importance of Self Awareness in Relationships

    1. Healthy relationship with yourself.

    My God! This right here is a huge importance of self awareness. There is something Campbell the author of Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person said that I love so much. He said, “Self-awareness keeps us grounded, attuned and focused.” And i couldn’t agree more.

    A healthy relationship with yourself starts with being self aware. If you are not aware of who you are then you cannot love yourself the way you ought to. And if you can’t love yourself, no amount of love from anyone else would make you see your self better.

    Being self aware boosts your confidence. Because now you know yourself so much that whatever you do or say emanates an aura of confidence that makes people in awe of you. You pamper yourself and pamper others. You do things that you now know makes you happy. You make decisions that are good for you. Omo! What a cool vibe! winks Wahala for who no know em self this valentine oh. Haha

    1. Healthy relationship with others.

    Yes. This is another importance of self awareness because the bible knew what he was doing when he gave us the golden rule; “treat others in the same way you’ll treat yourself.”

    This is why a stingy person cannot hide his/her self. Because they are stingy to themselves first before they are stingy to others. In the same way, you can’t love others without loving yourself. When you love yourself as a result of how aware you’ve become, that love begins to spread towards others.

    Thats how they will ask you, what kind of woman do you want? And your answer would be; a good woman. Hey God! Don’t do that please. Some women are good but they are foolish upstairs. Some men are good but they are bunch of lazy dudes. And when the good woman come into your life, three months later there’s already catastrophe in the relationship because you weren’t self aware of your needs and desires. Be specific.

    I don’t have stingy friends because I dislike stingy people. If I meet you and like you and later find out that you are not a giver, I run. I don’t endure. I don’t manage. I’m not a manager and neither are you. So please communicate your awareness adequately to build a healthy relationship with yourself and others as well.

    Valentine is coming. Be self aware before you shoot that shot. So that you’ll not have a Val that has pink lips, six packs, speaks well but cannot flush the toilet after shitting. I come in peace. Hahaha

    Any thoughts or opinions on what you just read? Are you self aware? Even felt left out in your relationship because you weren’t self aware of what you wanted? Please share in the comment.

  • Why you should stop giving unsolicited advice.

    Giving unsolicited advice is like walking into someone’s house uninvited. Even if that person is your friend. (Please don’t visit your friends without informing them)

    unsolicited advice

    This week has been a rollercoaster of drama both personally and professionally. There were times when I wanted to just rant. In fact, almost always I just wanted to pour out what I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and everything I fantasized about the situation, but I hardly expressed any of these emotions because I was tired of ranting to someone only for the person to bombard me with series of advice I never asked for.

    So instead, I spoke to my brain and cells alone in that tiny little space in my head. *laughs*  Yet, the one time I did rant this week, it was with a wonderful person that just listened beautifully well. Whoop!! Such a blessing.

    People are so quick to show off how much they know about your situation, or a new project with dozens of do this, go this way, act like this, just at the mere mention of expressing your self. If you are on this table, be calming down. Cool down.

    Truth is, if they needed your advice they would ask. Now, I’m not saying giving advice is wrong, I’m simply saying giving unsolicited advice is wrong. Unsolicited advice is advice that is wrong. When its clear the receiver doesn’t want your advice is where the problem lies.

    Look at this scenario; My friend visiting me isn’t wrong, but my friend visiting me without prior information is wrong because a lot of things can go wrong for both me and the visitor. Firstly, I may not be at home, and she coming to meet the house locked would be a huge disappointment to her. Something that would have been adverted if she had called earlier. Secondly, I may be with my partner spending some alone & romantic time I waited for so long to have with him only for her to spoil it with her visit. Or does she want to meet us in our sensual escapades? *winks*

    Now that is what happens when giving unsolicited advice to a person. Its un welcomed, its bad manners, it makes the person feel incapable of handling their own situation and its unwanted.

    Isabella from reaching self shared a quote by Dalai Lama I love so such.

    “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’re lost.” — Dalai Lama

    Knowing when a person does not want you giving unsolicited advice.

    The only way to know when giving unsolicited advice is wrong is through;

    1. The receivers story.

    Now lets be practical shall we? Look at this two story. Lets say Chris and Joy talked to you differently.

    Chris said;

    “…so that was what happened my dear, and I wanted to react in different ways, but I just held it in. The fact that he used those words on me was sad. I felt it oh.”

    Joy said;

    “Guy remember that message I told you our MD sent, do you know that the same message has left me in the middle of a crisis. Now Ella thinks I’m out for her when you know how much I appreciate her. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t be the reason they are going through this ordeal. I wish I knew what to do to remedy the situation.”

    After carefully reading those two statements above you’d see that while it is tempting to advice Chris, its obvious that he doesn’t need it. What Chris clearly need is your listening ear, attention, and encouragement, not giving unsolicited advice.

    Joy on the other hand obviously needs real advice. She is confused. She needs a way out. But its not your cue to jump in right away. Understand the situation and give your best advice possible.

    2. Listening

    Our problem is that we too like gist, you like people coming to you, you love to play the mother hen, and that makes you hear just the words and not listen deeply. Listening would help you understand what the person wants. If Chris and Joy met you with their different situation. A good listener would understand what needs to be done while an adviser general would hop on an opportunity to drop his/her advice.

    3 things to do Instead of giving unsolicited advice.

    Now that you know why giving unsolicited advice is wrong, and how to know when someone needs advice, it is also important to also know what else to give in place of an advice, and when to give advice.

    1. Empathize

    Try to empathize with what they are going through. Empathy makes you ask the best questions to put the receiver at ease. Empathy makes the receiver even open more, and this in turn makes you understand the situation. When you empathize the receiver realizes that you’re not selfish, that you’re not trying to control the situation, and that he/she is strong enough to handle it even when you don’t give an advice.

    2. Ask how you can help.

    Ask first before giving an advice. Asking first differentiates you from the other person giving unsolicited advice.
    “What can I do to help?
    “If you ever need me I’m here. Really, don’t hesitate to ask.”
    “How can I help you?”

    Ask these questions before giving any advice even when your mouth is itching you.

    3. Be Supportive

    Instead of giving unsolicited advice why not support? Support speaks louder. An advice starts you on remedying the situation but support stays with you throughout the journey. Support says “I’ll always be here when you need me,” “I’m cheering on you,” “I’m checking on you, how’s it going?”

    Support sinks deep. The one who adviced you can be forgotten but the one who supports you through the journey is hardly forgotten. Be supportive.

    There are a lot of advisers on the street and less supporters. Be the one that support more.

    I am here because I want people to live fuller lives and I can support them through that, not just give advice. So if you ever need my support in writing, blogging, storytelling, business Just comment below or send me a mail using the contact form menu. And if you ever need a listening ear, I’m right here. This is a safe space. Void of judgments.

    Any thoughts on this post? Any relatable experience? Please share in the comment below

    Did you know that journaling helps when you have no one to talk to.

  • 6 Life Unexpected Events And How To React To Them

    Unexpected events are events we dislike so much because we have no control over them. Its like a sudden slap on the face that feels like hot artardo pepper but the strange thing you’ve failed to realize is that unexpected events are also a cone of sweet flavored ice cream that melts in the mouth as you savoir its chilling taste with such satisfying pleasure and unbelieving joy.

    Unexpected events

    Its the peak of summer here in Nigeria, something we often call ‘dry season’, and rain is often far fetched in January even in rainy places like the city of Port Harcourt. Yet, I was at work two days ago ( on Wednesday) when I suddenly heard the clapping of the roof. I didn’t pay attention because I thought it must have been the wind or the echo of a moving vehicle on the road. But in few seconds the sound came again, this time so loud and scary. I raised my head and walked to the window only to be met with raindrops falling from the sky and before I could react the rain began dropped heavily.

    “Oh my God. Chika is this rain?” My colleague asked in shock looking outside.

    “Yes my dear. I’m as shocked as you are”. I smiled. I was happy too because i love the rain & the rain was going to calm the heat and control the dust. So it was a blessing surprisingly.

    The funny thing is; what started as a heavy downpour suddenly became a storm. The wind came and properties were flying ruthlessly. Thunder strikes left a spark that got me open mouthed. Everyone was taken unawares. Cars were parked because drivers couldn’t see in the storm. Taxis were unavailable because of the flood. We rushed to close everywhere because damn, this one was daunting. Let me surprise you again, the storm lasted for two hours. Two long hours of me wondering how I would get home because it was almost my closing time. Thinking ‘if I had known I would have brought an umbrella with me to work’. But well, that’s why its an unexpected event. Totally unplanned for. Completely surprising.
    Movements were stopped, plans were suspended and businesses were closed rapidly. Yet we could sleep well at night because the weather was cold and chilly. such irony laughs

    Since childhood parents have expected you to do this, try that, to live a certain way, associate with specific people etc. Society have expected you to pay tax, dress in a different way, regulate your movement etc. And then as adult you also set those expectations for yourself. Be a graduate at twenty, get a job after school, get married before thirty, have a million in your account in your twenties and so on. Then subsequently you set goals to help you achieve these expectations. You plan and strategize to be in charge of something you want to achieve. To be in control of the goal. But what you don’t plan for is the unexpectations that come knocking at your door. You don’t plan for the unexpected events that may occur along the line. The truth is you have no control over the unexpected and that is why you often deny its existence. But wisdom is to “expect the unexpected”, another wisdom is “not all unexpected events are bad, some if not most are good.” Do not treat life surprises & unexpected events as vain and disgusting because they would happen. The sooner you learn how to react to them, the better your life would be.

    Here are 6 major life unexpected events and how to handle them.

    Nature

    The force of nature can neither be changed nor fixed. It can only be handled properly which is through positive acceptance. If you like hit your head on the wall, you’d still fart inside the bus and pretend it was not you, rain would fall at anytime, earthquake would happen unenexpectedly, snow can just fall in Nigeria tomorrow, (Amen oh. smiles Who else can’t wait to experience snow in Nigeria?) Taking charge of nature is like wrestling with God. You cant fight it. You will fail and fail woefully if you do. Natural unexpected events can be a blessing if you choose to accept it and not dwell on it.

    Love

    I love love. Who doesn’t? Well, you’d have face me if you don’t. winks I couldn’t agree more with the line “Love happens in unexpected places.” and “sometimes we love who we least expect.” Unexpected events like love is a huge blessing. Love is the biggest feeling of freedom. It is not bound by tribe, tradition, age, sex, status, race etc. Sometimes you find yourself loving someone you never thought you could. Loving so deeply and passionately without receiving that love in return. And other times you love completely and your love is returned. Be it in friendship and relationships. The heart knows what pleases it which makes love so unexpected. Even when you know that a big level of pain may come from loving that person, your heart would still betray your mind. Some people who have made it clear that they are not ready for love still find themselves developing feelings and loving someone special against what they had planned. I’d say, if you love someone and the other person has made it clear that he/she doesn’t love you in return please let go. Its hard but allow yourself let go and give room for someone who would reciprocate your love. And if love unexpectedly happens and you both love each other, please don’t stay apart. Don’t run from that love. Give that love a chance. Allow it to bloom and if it doesn’t work then make it end. But if it does then you know what that means. cheers

    Breakup

    While some people gain love unexpectedly some loose theirs. What has a beginning surely has an end. Breakup. Although some breakups show warning signs but it doesn’t mean it was expected. Breaking up a relationship you thought would lead to the future has got to be a big blow. Talk about the dreams & memories shared, the time invested, and the emotions involved. Be sure that you’re breaking up for the right reasons and please don’t turn that person into your enemy. Say your goodbyes like civilized people not like market people. Breakups also happen between close friends as well. Having a close friends for years and realizing that you’re now drifting apart is so sad. Accept that friends come and go and you are not to be blamed alone for your failed relationship. Only then can you be better. (Understand why close friends don’t last here) Unexpected events are a truck load of surprises.

    Death

    Only a fool would accept new life as a part of life and not accept death as a part of life. I’m not sorry if you feel bad Life and death are two sides to a coin. What lived must die but only to live on. We rejoice in life but we cry in death which is humane. Death comes with a massive amount of pain. No amount of pain can be compared to loosing someone special, a child, a parent, friend, family, etc. And for some this pain have destroyed them because they allowed it to. While others have drowned in grief that makes them unrecognizable. God forbid that you become so! Death and loss are unexpected events that we can only accept. Yet also praying that death doesn’t come knocking on time. (Rise through grief and loss here)

    Sickness

    Ah! Nobody loves sickness. A mere headache can render you weak and ruin your mood talk more of severe illness and disease. A perfectly healthy person can just be rushed to the hospital only to be diagnosed with a terminal illness. It baffles me. ‘I always ask, where do all this strange sickness come from?’ But often times we never know and that is why sickness and diseases are unexpected events that deny us comfort, peace and wholeness. The only way to handle this is to stay calm whilst making sure that you go through all the necessary treatment required to make you healthy again.

    Wins

    Some wins like getting a job promotion you never applied for, achieving a milestone, getting a call from someone that could change your life are all unexpected events that could drive one happily crazy. This one is such a surprise that shocks your entire being and gladdens your heart in the most beautiful way. For me a sudden bank alert on my phone can just make my day laughs Trust me little wins like this add flavor & spice up our lives.

    Some stories on unexpected experiences by individuals here

    I hope this post would assist you in keeping your mind open for both the expected and the unexpected events that may occur this year and more. It could be a blessing if you accept it and react positively. Remember, Attitude is everything.

    Leave me a comment sharing your thoughts and tell me one unexpected thing you’ve experienced that came as a shock. I’d be in the comments waiting.